It’s easy to want to give praise to children when they do something right. However, experts suggest that there is a particular compliment that parents should avoid using, as it might have unintended consequences.
Many of us have engaged in discussions about parenting methods, especially around the topic of whether to perpetuate or dispel childhood myths like the existence of Santa Claus. Different experts have varying opinions on this. For instance, Tom Whyman, a philosophy lecturer, argues that maintaining belief in Santa Claus is a crucial part of the festive experience for children.
“We shouldn’t be honest about Santa – at least not at first,” Whyman suggests. “Without the Santa myth, what would Christmas for the average child even be? It would just be a day they get to finally open gifts, devoid of the magic surrounding the jolly old fellow.”
Yet, there is another perspective brought forth by renowned child psychologist, Dr. Becky Kennedy, who warns against saying “good job” to children. On The Tim Ferriss Show, Dr. Kennedy explains why this particular praise might not be as beneficial as it seems.
One primary concern is that constantly hearing “good job” might impede children from learning to validate themselves independently. They might grow reliant on others for approval rather than developing self-assurance.
“Consider the dependency that develops for seeking ‘good job’,” Dr. Kennedy advises. “When a child constantly desires this affirmation, they begin to associate their achievements with external validation rather than personal fulfillment.”
To illustrate her point, Dr. Kennedy recounts a personal story. Her daughter once showed her a painting, and instead of offering a simple “good job”, Dr. Kennedy engaged her in conversation about the artwork. This way, her daughter was encouraged to express what the creation meant to her, providing insights into her thoughts and feelings.
“When she shared with me her story about never having seen a red police car, it opened a window into her imagination. Instead of ending the discussion with a ‘good job’, we embarked on a sharing experience,” Dr. Kennedy recalls.
Despite potential annoyance from some parents who might find this advice disruptive, Dr. Kennedy highlights that phrases like “good job” can prematurely conclude interactions, depriving parents of deeper connections with their children. Thus, fostering a child’s confidence should be emphasized over offering surface-level approval.
In parenting, understanding alternative ways to communicate can significantly impact a child’s growth. Striving to reinforce their confidence and self-worth, rather than depending on external praise, creates resilient individuals who understand the true value of their achievements.
