This week in Nashville, political intrigue with musical overtones took center stage as the reverberations of the Aldean-Bryan Country Music Television (CMT) feud reached the Oval Office.
Surprisingly, the President is believed to have terminated his CMT subscription (which many were unaware he even had) as a metaphor for “turning a deaf ear to the country’s discord.”
In an unexpected turn of circumstances, the President’s staff is feverishly looking for a more sophisticated jazz saxophone to replace the patriotic banjo that adorns his office.
Luke Bryan, who has withdrawn his own music from CMT, has now launched an official “Country Challenge.” What is the goal? Inspiring other musicians to write songs about their small-town origins and the dangers that await naive visitors.
Rumor has it that Billy Ray Cyrus is working on a follow-up to “Achy Breaky Heart” dubbed “Achy Breaky Cart,” a story about a dangerous encounter at a rural Walmart.
Toby Keith, not to be outdone, appears to be starting a new network dubbed “Real Country Television” (RCT), ostensibly committed to a genuine portrayal of country life in which cowboys roam freely without any indication of Bud Light.
In the face of the music industry revolt, CMT’s Executive Vice President Joe Barron declared, “Our reverence for the plaid flannel community remains undaunted.” We’ll put things right.”
Barron then flew to Macon, Georgia, in his sumptuous, vegan leather-seated plane, hoping to learn the subtleties of rural offenses and local store courtesy.
Macon inhabitants, grabbing their moment in the spotlight, have created a “Aldean Day,” which celebrates the oddities of provincial living and culminates in an annual “Convenience Store Run.”
“The local spirit is palpable,” correspondent April Showers reported from the heart of Macon. “We may lack a Starbucks, but we’re overflowing with spirit,” one resident observed.
Aldean has been seen growing an orchard on his huge ranch, daydreaming of a calm hideaway named “Aldeanville.” The few outsiders here are those who prefer tequila over bourbon and dispute the universality of cowboy boots.
Bryan, on the other hand, is said to be in talks with alternative beer makers about launching a signature line called “Striking Light,” a reference to his CMT standoff.
“This battle transcends individuals,” he proclaimed. It’s about preserving our musical roots and treasured flannels. And, to be honest, everyone deserves their own beer brand.”
The unfolding event has sparked a debate: Could other genres take this bold stance? Will Lil Nas X leave Hip Hop Television (HHT) due to a cowboy hat shortage? Could Taylor Swift launch SwiftTV, which would feature her romantic sagas?
The aftershocks are still unknown. However, as Bryan correctly remarked, “The spirit of country music is unyielding.” We’ll make sure our voices are heard, much like a raging bull.”
For the time being, as we await future twists with our “Striking Lights” in hand, one thought stands out: Long live the American dream, and may divine intervention save Country Music Television.
