The celebrity committed suicide on December 13 at the age of 40, leaving behind his wife, three children, and himself.
Allison Holker has been caring for the three children she had with her late husband, Stephen tWitch Boss, after his passing and has endured torturous months.
To aid those suffering in silence, the professional dancer opened up in her first interview since Stephen died by suicide.
Since Stephen’s passing on December 13, Allison said in an interview with People that she misses him most for the routine, everyday things. The dancer and TV host described family life with their son Maddox, 7, daughter Weslie, 14, and Zaia when tWitch was still living, saying, “We’d have so many random conversations, and there was so much laughter.”
“Our love was so genuine and outspoken. We frequently compared our home to a choreographed dance.”
Fans were shocked by the executive producer and much-loved DJ of the Ellen DeGeneres Show’s suicide at age 40. Allison admitted that she was unaware he was dealing with mental illness and depression.
“No one had any idea how depressed he was. He wanted no one to know. He merely desired to serve as everyone’s defender and Superman.”
The days are naturally difficult for Allison, who constantly misses Stephen and her previous family dynamic. “I can’t understand what was happening at that moment [when he died], so it’s been really hard,” she continued.
Allison wants people to remember her husband as the great man she married. She first met her husband in 2010 when they both appeared as All-Stars on Fox’s, So You Think You Can Dance.
“Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was,” she said.
She has now established the Move with Kindness Foundation to aid with mental health projects. “We frequently hear the advice to ‘Reach out to the Strongest People,’ and I concur. But I also want the message to be that it’s alright to lean on someone else if you’re feeling down or depressed,” she added. “Have faith that even in your darkest hours, people will still see you as that light.”
Allison has received many messages and sympathy in the wake of her tragedy. The mother of three continued, “I’ve had a lot of people, particularly men, reach out to me, telling how they were so affected because they didn’t understand how much they were holding on to and not expressing.”
“At first, I thought that was a lot to hold onto, but then I realized I want others to feel comfortable talking to me, to open up, and to recognize that we need to support one another through these times.I could allow myself to go to a dark place right now, which would be valid and fine,” she continued. “For myself and the kids, though, I want to make a different decision.”
What about the lessons she imparts to her kids? Being upset or furious doesn’t make you a horrible person. Together, we’re dealing with it, which takes vulnerability and trust.
Looking up at the night sky, Allison related a recent conversation with Stephen. “Stars are extremely significant to me because we think he is there. Therefore, that’s why. I was certain that I wanted him to find peace,” she stated. “I told him, ‘I forgive you, and I hope you’re with us,’ while I was under the stars. Speaking with him and expressing my forgiveness, sadness, love, and delight was incredibly therapeutic.”
Allison and Stephen met through dance (they were fellow contestants and became pros on FOX’s So You Think You Can Dance), but she still can’t return to it. “I have not yet danced. She says, “that will be a big step for me, but I know I can do it. He is leading me in this direction.”
Please dial 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741, or visit 988lifeline.org if you or someone you know is considering taking their own life.